Summary: Because shit happens and sometimes you can't do anything about it.
Pairings: OT5, Yunjae, Yoosu, a little Jaemin, Hyunjae
Note: This one-shot is dedicated to my lost camera. Yes, that explains the angst. And sodapopcorn, for without her, there would be one less person i can turn to in times of shit.
Date: 10 July 2009 to 12 July 2009
To my Camera:
I love you very much still.
I hope that the person who found you will make you of you better than i did, i hope if he rots in Hell forever too.
Kim Jaejoong was is a rebel. Some things don’t change. Kim Jaejoong is the mother of the group, (oh, the irony) he really really really loves some four people. Those things don’t change, too.
The light was blinding.
His parents, both sets of them. His little sister. his eight older sisters. Hyunjoong. Junsu. Yoochun. Changmin. Yunho. Yunho. Yunho. They were smiling. It was so beautiful. Like fairies singing. Like cherries atop a cake. Like a seagull flying across the bluest sky.
But all of them were gradually, moving away, fading.
Jaejoong opens his eyes in shock and blinks a few times. Yunho’s head was at his side, resting on the bed. But Jaejoong knew he wasn’t asleep.
Yunho’s hands were clasped around each other tightly, above his head. A prayer.
Please let him be okay.
The said man slowly moves his head up. Bloodshot eyes, chapped lips, tear-streaked face, “Hey. You woke.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah.” Yunho whispers, “Yeah.”, just so he’ll believe. Yeah yeah yeah.
Yunho didn’t believe what he was seeing, or what he was hearing, he was very sure he was in a dream.
Just that, it wasn’t. Not really.
Jaejoong and him were sitting in a doctor’s office. The place was very homely, as it ought to be, even though Yunho was feeling anything but homely. The long sash windows let in maximum light and Yunho could see the setting sun afar.
Since when was the setting sun so stunning? He couldn’t remember the last time he really watched the sunset. He’d been too busy. They all had.
“Jae-ah, how many times must I tell you to take your medication regularly?” A certain paunchy bald doctor sighed. Said doctor puts on his grandpa-ish glasses and takes out a thick medical file titled “Kim JaeJoong #4”. That was when Yunho realized there was “Kim Jaejoong #1”, “Kim Jaejoong #2”, “Kim Jaejoong #3”, four medical files in all, originally sitting on the high gloss white treacherous looking shelf.
Jae gave a weak smile. “Things got a little hectic. You know.” He mumbles, “It’s Tokyo Dome afterall.”
“Exactly so. So you shouldn’t have risked your health during this point of time!”
Jae attempts to nod in all seriousness but fails terribly, and ends up chuckling.
Yunho reads the doctor’s name on the tag on the mahogany desk. Kang On Joon
“Thankfully a friend found you when you passed out this time. Honestly. I was wondering how long you could keep it under wraps before your crazy idea of a suicide pact takes shape.”
Yunho stares at the doctor, all sincere smiles and snide remarks, before slowly turning to Jaejoong.
“Jae-ah. What is this all about?”
Jaejoong purses his lips. “Yunho-yah.”
Jaejoong doesn’t really know how to go about breaking the news. He never thought about it at all, really.
When he knew of his illness, he merely decided that he would leave it until the illness got the better of him. He had so much still. But when it did worsen, he decided to write a will. Soon after, he started passing out, irregularly, when he was tired, when he was stressed, everywhere, anywhere, in the bathroom, in the kitchen. And so, he decided on a suicide pact.
Just because it felt better to have someone die with him.
Which was ridiculous really. Because it was just him and himself.
The suicide pact was something like this, a few sentences scrawled into the last page of his on-off diary:
Date: When I’m going to die
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
Do you, Han Jaejoong, promise to die together on the same day as Kim Jaejoong?
(Because Han Jaejoong was never meant to live, anyway.)
Han Jaejoong to Kim Jaejoong
Do you, Kim Jaejoong, promise to die together on the same day as Han Jaejoong?
(But without Han Jaejoong, there wouldn’t be Kim Jaejoong either.)
Kim Jaejoong to Han Jaejoong
“Jaejoong has stomach cancer. I have been his doctor for 6 years.” Dr. Kang says, breaking the long awkward silence.
Yunho laughs an odd laugh that was a little off-pitch, “Alright Jae, stop the joke.”
Jae looks up at Yunho. “Have I ever lied to you?”
They were quarrelling over the costumes, whether it should be gold sequins or silver feathers tinged with glitter.
“Let me know when you guys have settled on something aye?” Kei, the wardrobe stylist sighs quietly and left.
“Silver feathers are tacky. Who doesn’t know that?” the maknae mumbles.
“But gold sequins are so impossibly common, Min!” Yoochun stares at the golden shiny outfit, sighing.
“And they are so 2006.” Junsu points out.
“But we have a “cool image”, don’t we? Feathers just ain’t us.” Jae frowns at the pile of glistening feathers. He picks them up and waves them in the air. “Honestly! Feathers?!” Jae exclaimed.
“You did the white fur jacket for Mirotic, didn’t you!”
“Su. Fur is different from feathers.” Changmin mocks.
“Yunho, can you focus on us a bit? On the argument here?” Yoochun snaps his fingers.
“You aren’t here with us, even though, physically you are!”
“Shut up, okay? I’ve got more important stuff to attend to.”
Yoochun stills. Changmin stills. Junsu stills. Yunho has never ever, never spoken like that before. Jaejoong grips the side of the table, keeping his balance.
“Leader-sshi. I think this is important too.”
“No it’s not okay. It’s not fucking important at all.” Yunho grits his teeth.
“What is your fucking problem? Just bec-”
“No, what is your problem? You don’t know the shit I’m having to deal with now alright?”
“Oh so because you are the leader and you are facing shit means we are having it all jolly and good? What the fu-”
“Can you all just give it a break?” Jaejoong screams.
“Jaejoong, don’t make it worse.” Junsu says, trying to contain himself.
“He’s not trying to make it worse, you idiot!”
“Leave what?” Changmin snaps.
“Don’t deviate from the argument. Yun-”
“Leave what? What’s going on?” Changmin interrupts.
“Min, can you stop it?”
“Oh yeah? Now it’s me?”
“You guys are not even making sense.”
“So you do? You are the all-knowing one because you are the oldest?”
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” Jae screams.
“Stop yelling okay? JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE THE OLDEST, IT DOESN’T MEAN WE ARE LITTLE KIDS.” Junsu yells, even louder.
“DO NOT. Do not yell at Jae. You hear that?”
“What the fuck? Why can’t I yell at Jae? I’ll yell at him for the rest of his fucking life if I want to---”
“Well then get it in your fucking head that you won’t have long!” Yunho yells.
Everyone shuts up and the tension in the room hits an all-time high.
“I’m sorry, Jae. I can’t, I can’t---”
Jae nods stoically, staring at the feathers still, the shiny glitter making his head feel woozy and giddy.
“So this is what all that was about, wasn’t it?” Changmin sighs knowingly. “Leave it? Leave what?”
“Jae’s leaving.” Yunho manages, his eyes welling up with tears.
Everyone looks at Jaejoong.
“I’m dying.” And a weak smile that shatters the earth.
Jaejoong didn’t really want the news to be put across this way. He wanted it to be something more…planned, at the very least.
Not that it would make things any different from what it was.
“That was a bad way of breaking things to them. It shouldn’t have been---” Jae mumbles, obviously upset about the wrong thing.
“No. No no no, it just should have been a little different, you know, like---”
“What, Jae? Drinking under the stars? Watching the sunrise?” Yunho manages a smirk that lasted two seconds.
“You’re fucking melodramatic.”
Jaejoong laughs, his voice drifting away into the skies, a sing-song to the Gods. And Yunho plays it on repeat in his head, like a broken record that he is becoming.
The bad things always bring people together, hold them tight, mould them into one being.
Two hearts beating the same beat, the same numbers.
Junsu stares at the lump of a being in his hold, willing himself to be numb, shushing himself mentally. The sky’s still blue, the trees are still green, the clouds are fluffy and white, our living room’s still a bloody mess. Deep breath.
Everything’s gonna be okay.
“Su-yah.” Yoochun shakes, and Junsu tries to hold him tighter, but that was physically impossible.
“Mmphf.” Junsu attempts a response.
“T-Tell me this…isn’t…happening.”
“This isn’t happening.” Junsu lies. “This isn’t happening.” He repeats, for himself more than anything else. “It’s a dream. It’s a dream, baby.”
Yoochun closes his eyes, concentrates on breathing, and let the tears flow again, on and on. And Junsu gives up on wiping them dry.